If a Blogger doesn't blog are they still a Blogger?...

Excuse me for a moment while I write as though nobody is reading....

I feel like crap. Not physically.....I feel mentally worn our.

I am read this article about motherhood by Eden Riley and I found myself saying, "YES YES! that is so true!!". But I feel like I do it part time....I do all that stuff....parttime. That is so politically incorrect to say isn't it??  That I parent and do those things part time but time wise I have more awake face time away from my children during the week than with them. If it sounds sad it probably is.

I stood on the ramp at the end of a long day during the week and I wondered, "What the hell was I thinking when I thought I could do it all? Work full time and Solo Parent full time? How the hell do I manage to do it all without fucking it all up?". The little red and white versions of me sitting on my shoulder said, "Stupid bloody question love, as you simply HAVE TO!"

My daughter threw me a birthday party last weekend which was attended by my most favourite people. I was dreading it and all the attention. When it happened I loved it and the time I got to spend with the most beautiful and caring people in my life. When it was over I spiralled into feeling so isolated that I may as well have been on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only cure was bringing my three little people into bed for a movie night, with no choice but to snuggle into one another and the bonus of FEELING that they are in fact there.

I bottle it all up...all up all week because what is the alternative? There is noone to come home and chat with. There is noone who does not have their own life to put first and there is no time when I don't feel a burden through sharing despite being told copious amounts of time that I am not at all a burden. So I bottle it up and then....then I explode or I crumble and on Friday I did both. I overreacted to a situation and made a fool of myself and my apologies have been ignored. I don't run away...I face things...but this time I don't feel strong enough to face it.

I cried and cried for the first time ever...cried and cried at my desk all alone. Except I wasn't all alone. Because that was the day when students got sent back to get things. Asking with a concerned tone if I was ok? It was the only day of the whole year that a parent came to see me at the end of the day. Thank goodness it was a woman I have known a very long time (having taught her eldest who is in year 11 this year when he was just in year 1! ) and was very understanding. That day thankfully was also a day when a friend came to talk to me, and held me and comforted me as the bottling up and the mortification of my actions and the lack of control burst forth in a torrent of tears and words that had been for so long unsaid. A friend I could trust 100% .

A birthday passed and it hurt. It was the best birthday and the worst birthday. It was a hard day and a great day. It exhausted me.

It is Mothers Day. It is coming off a week when I feel like I could quite possibly be the worlds worst mother ever. A week of a lot of ASD moments that have left me drained and scared for a future I cannot see changing. A week of feeling incredibly guilty for every terse word I have spoken in response to the tantrums and swearing and meltdowns. A week when I have never felt closer to bloggers like MadMother as I knew that no matter how bad it is that she has been through it too..but also never so far away from her as I realised that I haven't had the time to read or respond or talk to her for so very long.  I miss the time I had to write about my boy, I miss you MM and feeling a part of a community of support for this ASD journey I am going through. I know you are still there...but I just wish I was too :(.

I have had a hard, draining, at times wonderful, incredibly busy week.

As I cried while cooking pancakes this morning I wondered if I need to step back? If I need to run a little and get help? I need someone to tell me how to deal with it all...it all....I never imagined in my wildest dreams how much 'it all' really could ever be. Can I step away? run away? crumble and not get up for a little while though? Can I?

My head says no and my heart says that maybe you have no choice but to?

My head at times says yes too.....I'm working the head pretty damn hard right now!

The parent who came in on friday, while I was crying. She shared some things with me...we talked and cried and then said goodbye and it left me wondering...

Is growing up not so much about getting older but about being taken from the palace at the top of the mountain, stripped of everything you own, everything you've known and thrown in the dirt with a hammer and knife and told to fend for yourself? Lying there in the cloud of dust wavering around you you are faced with the choice...keep lying there and give up or get up and get started.

I keep getting up and getting started...but sometimes that dust and dirt looks so fucking appealing that I honestly cannot see any better alternative but to just lie in it!