A solumn look....

She had that look on her face again, the look of despair, the solumn look, sunken eyes and doubt flickering across her features as to whether she could talk to me or not.

I asked the question, "Are you ok?" and she shook her head. I asked the question, "do you want to talk about it?" and she hesitated, "can you talk about it?" and she shook her head. As the tears rolled down her cheeks I held her in my arms and rubbed her back. I offered not the meaningless words, "it will be ok" for I did not know what 'it' was or if 'it' ever would be. Instead I just held her.

Days went by, weeks, months and the look would happen infrequently and the tears would fall and I would hold her. I would fret and worry for her and watch her, always watch to see that she was ok. I would make her eat and I would make her laugh and smile sometimes...other times I would give her a look, just a small smile to let her know, I am here.

It was a freezing, cloudy morning the day she finally burst and stated that she just could not take anymore. With help and guidance for all involved she was able to talk and we were able to start helping. The smile started to come back a little on her face....a little more she began to laugh and enjoy life.

As the holidays wound around I wished her a happy break and she smiled at me. I don't know whether that is possible....I sure hope it is. I worry for her.

There's an expectation that I too will begin to move beyond the low down look. That I will look beyond the negative surrounding and as I have given the advice to her to do, I am expect to embrace and run only with the positives in life. It is what is needed, that much I know to be true. I can, very often I can do this, but to be able to do it 100% I just don't know how.

The last few days I have been incredibly upset and experiencing a feeling of lost hope. Our lives are on a stand still just waiting for all of these things to happen and it feels as though they never will. No amount of positive thinking or positive tracking will change the circumstances which are ruling our lives at the moment. No amount!

It hurts. I cannot say that it cannot and so often I feel like all I need is someone, somewhere to just occasionally hold me, to not want to fix me but just instead to hold me and to silently understand that life sucks right now. It is hard and it hurts and it sucks. It feels as though everywhere I turn it is collapsing ontop of me. I just need someone....someone to see and to not expect anything from me because they see...but to simply just understand.

And there are people...people who do understand and who care deeply and that makes me feel bad. I have ceased writing because I know that the people who read here are not faceless entities that have stumbled here accidently through a google search but instead the majority are people who know me, and care for me and who I do not want to cause worry to. They are people who I imagine will feel bad reading my words, who will either turn the screen off after reading because they have no idea what to say, or who will try and help...when I feel and I know there is nothing anyone can do to help. There is no fixing this.

I appreciate the care and the help, but it also makes me feel guilty. When told to focus on the positive I know that is a form of help being offered and believe me I do. I have a multitude of photos on my phone, quotes of life views I long to embrace and to remember and I read them often. I am not sitting doing nothing, I am seeking help, I am talking...trying to heal and trying to live this new life. It is hard...I am trying.

I try to make plans, I budget and I plan and I try and work out the best scenarios for my and the kids lives. The best ways to move forward and out of this funk that the marraige break up and the subsequent events has left us in. I try to forsee all that can occur and prepare for it. But what I was not prepared for at all was life....or more to the point...other peoples lives....prospering and moving forward into bigger and better things and all the while here we stand...sit or on some days sink...further and further down we sink.

And I fight, I fight so damn hard. I work my arse off for what I am trying to make for them, a future. Enough money to live. For therapies to help them out. For assessments to determine if my littlest man is an Aspie too (he is, one diagnosis...he is) and to get him help. Moving forward and yet standing still. Standing still because I knew, it changes nothing, I knew. He will get funding and hopefully the worse we are enduring right now will reverse and his happy, coping demeanor will return...pray god it will return. In the future...we will move forward, right now we stand still.

Standing still with nothing. Fighting battles I cannot win against the economy and against my ex and against life.

I have friends who want to know, I don't write and I don't talk not because I do not want to tell them, I want nothing more than to tell them and to talk and to cry and to get it all out but it hurts when I do. It hurts their life and it hurts their hearts and that hurts mine. Their lives are good and happy and moving forward, beautiful things happening and life going on and I am happy for them and I do not want to impact on that so I stop. I stay silent and I say nothing. I just move through the days and the nights and try to do the best I can no matter what....alone. Because the pity looks, the silence when I finish talking as they try and decide what to say, the frustrations that flicker across a face before it's replaced with compassion...the impact of me on them.....it hurts and so I stay silent.

My children need a strong mother. Not just strong enough to deal with and get through the days...they need a mother who can make life move forward and although I am doing all the things that are physically needed to do that...my soul doesn't believe in a brighter day right now and I worry that they know, see and sense that. I worry that they too will spend their days in the future with 'the look' upon their faces.....I would do anything to prevent that.

There are days like today, when they are off having a wonderful time...when I am home alone and spend most of the day crying that I wonder how, when, if ever...?

I so long for the connection...but right now....I am not good for anyone...

When she comes to me with that look in her eyes, on her face, with tears streaming down her cheeks it is not through study and tutition that I know how to handle the situation...it is through the heart, for I know, I feel, I am there too!