This place....

There are lots of different fluffy little things I could write about tonight.

I could write about the killer headache/migraine that keeps coming and going like an unwelcome visitor for the last three days....but I won't.

I could talk about the cloud of grey snuggled around me right now which is draining my energy leaving me wanting to sleep for the next one hundred years at least....but I won't.

I could talk about the low level emotions I am feeling right now which have my eyes poised to spill over an avalanche of tears at any moment and the hollowness of heart and stomach that nothing seems to fill...but I won't.

I will instead tell you why.

Why my sons are having so incredibly different but equally as traumatic times at the moment trying to regulate their emotions and failing in massive meltdown moments.

Why my daughter is talking back like an acid tongued teenager.

Why I am suffering all of the above ailments and so much more.

Why?

Because we are on the cusp of one of the biggest changes we've ever experienced. And although we are all excited about the moment being in the near distance when we can settle and just be......

At the moment we are in this horrible place where we are stuck in the past, surrounded by memories of what was, surrounded by the dreams of what was supposed to be and what will never be. Sifting through bits and pieces which stir up more than their menial hard cases were designed for and with each bit and each piece my heart breaks and although they deny it, I think theirs (my beautiful babies) does a bit too!

We are leaving here...leaving the house we built for the forever more of grown children and grandchildren and happy days of my dreams (for reality showed a different reality once the rose tinted glasses were removed!) . Torn I am between the heartache and pain of looking around me knowing within three weeks this will not be mine anymore to feeling contempt and hatred towards the same walls and backyard and carpet for causing me such pain and heartache, for not fulfilling my dreams..for making me hurt so much..wanting me to leave immediately...now...RIGHT NOW and never look back!

In truth, preparing to leave this house feels like the breaking of my marriage all over again. It hurts like hell, breaks my heart into a billion pieces several times a day and leaves me seeing nothing but grey on even the sunshiniest days!

But, there is that little part of me, the small Buddha within who sits and watches and gives me a knowing smile...for he knows that this pain I necessary to truly enjoy the freedom and new beginning which is just around the corner. I just wish I did not have to live through it to get to that point.




Soon kids, soon....this will be finished and we will truly start again...soon.

special request...if you come by and read this post could you please say hi, nothing more..just hi. Just wondering who is reading and also feeling a bit alone these days so just to know someone's stopped by would put a smile on my dial :) - Grazie

I'm linking up for the first time this week with Jess from Diary of a SAHM :)