My inner tradie....

He would look on with condescending amusement as I would use a screw driver or hammer in a nail. My nerves so shot from the concentrated scrutiny that my palms would begin to sweat, the tool slipping in my fingertips, bending the nail or missing altogether as the hammer connects with my fingers and I curse in frustration and agony as he laughs and tells me to let him do it.

Dejectedly I would sigh and down tools, step back and eventually leave the room altogether. This was the pattern for so long that I gave up. Asking him to do it was less painful than the ordeal of trying myself..not because I believed that I couldn't do it..but because he believed I couldn't, and made that very clear.

I took the backseat, the feminine position he expected me to sit in but it never fit quite right, it was not me. Rather than take it on completely I took upon the role of playing the damsel in distress while dying of frustration inside and fighting the urge to just grab the damn tool myself and do it! Longing for the feeling of accomplishment when it was complete, to see individual pieces of wood become something together...to know it was of my doing..I created it..the pride.

It wasn't to be, so instead I would craft and Sew (acceptable female creating) and long for the freedom to do it all.

When we were moving everything in and I finally rediscovered the bunk bed screws I had misplaced we realized that I did not have the right sized Allen-key to put them together. My Uncle and Brother and I stood there looking at those pieces of steel which needed to fit together for my slumber weary boys and then my brother said, "Go to Bunnings and buy an Allen-Key Sis!". A thrill of excitement shot through me at the thought of entering the tool section to buy my own tools! Car keys were located and I was out of there in a flash!

Ten minutes later I stood before the wall of screw drivers and wrenches and Allen-Keys admiring their silver, gleaming beauty. I took some off the shelf before returning them due to being too heavy or too 'not quite right'. I finally chose one and then made my way to the counter. The lady suggested a different set, right there at the register as an alternative..it was on sale for $4 and had every different size attachment for screwdrivers I could possibly need! I also picked up a small hammer at the same time.

I walked back into my house that day and alternated between watching the men use my new tools and using them myself. The bunks were finished and my boys were back in their own beds again.

Since that first day I have used my tools every single day! I have put together 8 different pieces of furniture with their assistance..and fixed an old one.





Each and every time I hold them in my hands I feel incredibly free, strong, powerful and...at home!

They may just be a screwdriver set or a hammer...but they represent the enormous change in my life, for when I hold them, when I use them and create or fix with them....I'm being me, I'm living free.

Next purchase.....a drill! ;)