me.
There are many things that you should know about me but one thing is paramount, do not ever think that my circumstances, the inflictions I labour beneath, the battles I face and fight nor the emotions that sometimes rule me will at any time, ever, make me weak.
Do not ever think that you can manipulate or inflict your views of my actions upon me and expect me to accept them. Do however expect to receive a fight in response, to lose any skerick of respect I ever had for you and honestly....it will be a cold day in hell before it is likely that you will ever gain that respect back.
Do not ever think that because you know parts of me that you know me. Do not ever ever ever think that you can tell me who or what I am or interpret my actions back to me of what deemed them to be. For your view of me, interests me nor holds my interest none. Nor will it be entertained or accepted without protest.
For too long these eyes, this heart and brain has taken a beating. Do not ever ever assume that the once battered are easily beaten. Do not see weakness where once there was submission. It takes a stronge woman to fight in silence and remain alive. It takes an even stronger woman to walk away. It takes the strength of the survived to forge a new beginning. Do not ever ever think that there is therefore an opening for domination because it once reigned. There never will be again.
Do not ever ever ASSUME that you can tell a persons character due to the challenges they bear! You are not stronger nor better than them due to the size of your bank account nor the ring on your finger. You are not more blessed due to the lack of labels placed on your loved ones, the easier wake ups and goodnights. Do not assume that those that have nothing will fight for nothing. Prepare to be challenged and put back in your place the moment you try to make them wear the badge you mold for them that comes from a place of ignorance or pity misdirected.
Do not ever look upon me and see a person with less prospects for success. With more hurdles perhaps but never with less chance than you. Do no ever, EVER, underestimate the determination of a Mother to do everything within her power to do the very best for her children! No matter the hours, the long haul of time, the work involved. Do not ever underestimate the power within the sole person taking responsibility for three precious souls!
Most importantly...do not EVER ever think that you can take the challenges, hardships, the journey of which my small family are taking and use it as a MEANS to imply that I am not performing as I should be. EVER. There has never been, nor will there EVER be a time in which I will NOT do everything within my power to perform my utmost best. You might allude to the struggles and scars from home, the scheduled, long awaited appointments that have pulled me away from my work once in a blue moon towards my family...concessions even those in normal family dynamics at times must face...BUT...do not use that to ever ever call me unprofessional. Ever.
Because to do so, is only highlighting exactly that in the person slinging the words my way! I may work harder, longer, fight more, struggle more, tire more easily and sob a little more in the midnight hours than most. However what I will never be is weak. What I will never be is submissive and compliant to bullies (EVER AGAIN!) and most importantly what I will never ever EVER stop doing is striving to provide the best kind of life for my children through HARD WORK and DEDICATION to my work and to my family and their well being and the well being of the beautiful little people I am lucky enough to spend every day with.
Perhaps I will only ever be doing the same role...perhaps one day I will move to leadership, return to university to get a masters? doctorate? perhaps I will change paths...perhaps perhaps perhaps....what the future holds is unclear except for one definite. Never, ever again will I submit to discrimination, abuse, bullying, harassment or allow myself to be treated unfairly! Never EVER again.
Watch the hell out if you think otherwise!
This is a piece of writing. It is not about nor intended towards a particular person nor situation but to the world in general. I have faced the discrimination that comes into the face of the 'single mother' label and I am tired of the stereotype. Infact I am tired of all the bloody stereotypes.!The 'Special Needs Mum' stereotype, the 'Teacher Mum' stereotype, the 'Single Mum', the 'Depression'...'abuse survivor'...'poor'...the 'child in fulltime long hours care tut tut' stereotype. I am sick of them all. I am sick of the assumptions people make of me based on my situation rather than knowing ME and who I am, what I am capable of, what my values are and recognising my determination to do everything within my power to provide the best life possible for my kids. I will not be pushed into a label, nor made to bear others burdens. Next time you find yourself judging someone else, stop and think, "what do I know about their life?", "What right do I have to judge?" or perhaps the most important question of all to think is, "How will my judging them improve my life?" . If in some way it does improve your life then I strongly suggest it is time to seek out a new, more positive life. Live your best life and please, if your words are not going to seek a smile from me or constructively help me seek out my own best life then please feel free to keep them to yourself...for I am not interested one iota in them.
(Thanks for reading)
Wednesday 23 May 2012
Sunday 13 May 2012
If a Blogger doesn't blog are they still a Blogger?...
Excuse me for a moment while I write as though nobody is reading....
I feel like crap. Not physically.....I feel mentally worn our.
I am read this article about motherhood by Eden Riley and I found myself saying, "YES YES! that is so true!!". But I feel like I do it part time....I do all that stuff....parttime. That is so politically incorrect to say isn't it?? That I parent and do those things part time but time wise I have more awake face time away from my children during the week than with them. If it sounds sad it probably is.
I stood on the ramp at the end of a long day during the week and I wondered, "What the hell was I thinking when I thought I could do it all? Work full time and Solo Parent full time? How the hell do I manage to do it all without fucking it all up?". The little red and white versions of me sitting on my shoulder said, "Stupid bloody question love, as you simply HAVE TO!"
My daughter threw me a birthday party last weekend which was attended by my most favourite people. I was dreading it and all the attention. When it happened I loved it and the time I got to spend with the most beautiful and caring people in my life. When it was over I spiralled into feeling so isolated that I may as well have been on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only cure was bringing my three little people into bed for a movie night, with no choice but to snuggle into one another and the bonus of FEELING that they are in fact there.
I bottle it all up...all up all week because what is the alternative? There is noone to come home and chat with. There is noone who does not have their own life to put first and there is no time when I don't feel a burden through sharing despite being told copious amounts of time that I am not at all a burden. So I bottle it up and then....then I explode or I crumble and on Friday I did both. I overreacted to a situation and made a fool of myself and my apologies have been ignored. I don't run away...I face things...but this time I don't feel strong enough to face it.
I cried and cried for the first time ever...cried and cried at my desk all alone. Except I wasn't all alone. Because that was the day when students got sent back to get things. Asking with a concerned tone if I was ok? It was the only day of the whole year that a parent came to see me at the end of the day. Thank goodness it was a woman I have known a very long time (having taught her eldest who is in year 11 this year when he was just in year 1! ) and was very understanding. That day thankfully was also a day when a friend came to talk to me, and held me and comforted me as the bottling up and the mortification of my actions and the lack of control burst forth in a torrent of tears and words that had been for so long unsaid. A friend I could trust 100% .
A birthday passed and it hurt. It was the best birthday and the worst birthday. It was a hard day and a great day. It exhausted me.
It is Mothers Day. It is coming off a week when I feel like I could quite possibly be the worlds worst mother ever. A week of a lot of ASD moments that have left me drained and scared for a future I cannot see changing. A week of feeling incredibly guilty for every terse word I have spoken in response to the tantrums and swearing and meltdowns. A week when I have never felt closer to bloggers like MadMother as I knew that no matter how bad it is that she has been through it too..but also never so far away from her as I realised that I haven't had the time to read or respond or talk to her for so very long. I miss the time I had to write about my boy, I miss you MM and feeling a part of a community of support for this ASD journey I am going through. I know you are still there...but I just wish I was too :(.
I have had a hard, draining, at times wonderful, incredibly busy week.
As I cried while cooking pancakes this morning I wondered if I need to step back? If I need to run a little and get help? I need someone to tell me how to deal with it all...it all....I never imagined in my wildest dreams how much 'it all' really could ever be. Can I step away? run away? crumble and not get up for a little while though? Can I?
My head says no and my heart says that maybe you have no choice but to?
My head at times says yes too.....I'm working the head pretty damn hard right now!
The parent who came in on friday, while I was crying. She shared some things with me...we talked and cried and then said goodbye and it left me wondering...
Is growing up not so much about getting older but about being taken from the palace at the top of the mountain, stripped of everything you own, everything you've known and thrown in the dirt with a hammer and knife and told to fend for yourself? Lying there in the cloud of dust wavering around you you are faced with the choice...keep lying there and give up or get up and get started.
I keep getting up and getting started...but sometimes that dust and dirt looks so fucking appealing that I honestly cannot see any better alternative but to just lie in it!
I feel like crap. Not physically.....I feel mentally worn our.
I am read this article about motherhood by Eden Riley and I found myself saying, "YES YES! that is so true!!". But I feel like I do it part time....I do all that stuff....parttime. That is so politically incorrect to say isn't it?? That I parent and do those things part time but time wise I have more awake face time away from my children during the week than with them. If it sounds sad it probably is.
I stood on the ramp at the end of a long day during the week and I wondered, "What the hell was I thinking when I thought I could do it all? Work full time and Solo Parent full time? How the hell do I manage to do it all without fucking it all up?". The little red and white versions of me sitting on my shoulder said, "Stupid bloody question love, as you simply HAVE TO!"
My daughter threw me a birthday party last weekend which was attended by my most favourite people. I was dreading it and all the attention. When it happened I loved it and the time I got to spend with the most beautiful and caring people in my life. When it was over I spiralled into feeling so isolated that I may as well have been on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only cure was bringing my three little people into bed for a movie night, with no choice but to snuggle into one another and the bonus of FEELING that they are in fact there.
I bottle it all up...all up all week because what is the alternative? There is noone to come home and chat with. There is noone who does not have their own life to put first and there is no time when I don't feel a burden through sharing despite being told copious amounts of time that I am not at all a burden. So I bottle it up and then....then I explode or I crumble and on Friday I did both. I overreacted to a situation and made a fool of myself and my apologies have been ignored. I don't run away...I face things...but this time I don't feel strong enough to face it.
I cried and cried for the first time ever...cried and cried at my desk all alone. Except I wasn't all alone. Because that was the day when students got sent back to get things. Asking with a concerned tone if I was ok? It was the only day of the whole year that a parent came to see me at the end of the day. Thank goodness it was a woman I have known a very long time (having taught her eldest who is in year 11 this year when he was just in year 1! ) and was very understanding. That day thankfully was also a day when a friend came to talk to me, and held me and comforted me as the bottling up and the mortification of my actions and the lack of control burst forth in a torrent of tears and words that had been for so long unsaid. A friend I could trust 100% .
A birthday passed and it hurt. It was the best birthday and the worst birthday. It was a hard day and a great day. It exhausted me.
It is Mothers Day. It is coming off a week when I feel like I could quite possibly be the worlds worst mother ever. A week of a lot of ASD moments that have left me drained and scared for a future I cannot see changing. A week of feeling incredibly guilty for every terse word I have spoken in response to the tantrums and swearing and meltdowns. A week when I have never felt closer to bloggers like MadMother as I knew that no matter how bad it is that she has been through it too..but also never so far away from her as I realised that I haven't had the time to read or respond or talk to her for so very long. I miss the time I had to write about my boy, I miss you MM and feeling a part of a community of support for this ASD journey I am going through. I know you are still there...but I just wish I was too :(.
I have had a hard, draining, at times wonderful, incredibly busy week.
As I cried while cooking pancakes this morning I wondered if I need to step back? If I need to run a little and get help? I need someone to tell me how to deal with it all...it all....I never imagined in my wildest dreams how much 'it all' really could ever be. Can I step away? run away? crumble and not get up for a little while though? Can I?
My head says no and my heart says that maybe you have no choice but to?
My head at times says yes too.....I'm working the head pretty damn hard right now!
The parent who came in on friday, while I was crying. She shared some things with me...we talked and cried and then said goodbye and it left me wondering...
Is growing up not so much about getting older but about being taken from the palace at the top of the mountain, stripped of everything you own, everything you've known and thrown in the dirt with a hammer and knife and told to fend for yourself? Lying there in the cloud of dust wavering around you you are faced with the choice...keep lying there and give up or get up and get started.
I keep getting up and getting started...but sometimes that dust and dirt looks so fucking appealing that I honestly cannot see any better alternative but to just lie in it!
Friday 4 May 2012
Birthday party planner...at 6!
We were talking a few weeks ago, my princess and I, about birthday parties and what theme she would have this year and she asked what about my birthday? I told her I haven't had a birthday party since my 21st and after she regained her breath she then told me that wasn't good! So she began to plan one, with the help of my Mum.
Each birthday since the kids were born, probably years before that too, we would have family over for dinner. I would cook, clean, be put down and during the night have such disparaging comments thrown my way that i'd end up feeling angry and hurt and wishing i never celebrated it at all.
This year is free of the put downs and disparaging comments but the wishing I never had at all feelings are a little harder to shake!
I'm building back up slowly, strongly, day by day but I am not there yet. The thought of people coming to celebrate me and my birthday scares the beejeebuz outta me. I am much much better at giving than receiving and don't feel at all that I'm worth the effort...but....my daughter does. She's six! She made the invites and took the RSVPs. She made a list of foods and games and with my Mums help she's run this whole thing.
Tomorrow is the party. I need to get the house cleaned up for an open house in the morning (no sale last week/ no surprise) and then after swimming we will return and guests will begin to arrive.
A small gathering of the closest people to me. A gathering of those that've got me through the hard times and who I dearly love and cherish. I might even have a glass of wine! (I don't really drink)
My daughter truly is a little Angel.
:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Each birthday since the kids were born, probably years before that too, we would have family over for dinner. I would cook, clean, be put down and during the night have such disparaging comments thrown my way that i'd end up feeling angry and hurt and wishing i never celebrated it at all.
This year is free of the put downs and disparaging comments but the wishing I never had at all feelings are a little harder to shake!
I'm building back up slowly, strongly, day by day but I am not there yet. The thought of people coming to celebrate me and my birthday scares the beejeebuz outta me. I am much much better at giving than receiving and don't feel at all that I'm worth the effort...but....my daughter does. She's six! She made the invites and took the RSVPs. She made a list of foods and games and with my Mums help she's run this whole thing.
Tomorrow is the party. I need to get the house cleaned up for an open house in the morning (no sale last week/ no surprise) and then after swimming we will return and guests will begin to arrive.
A small gathering of the closest people to me. A gathering of those that've got me through the hard times and who I dearly love and cherish. I might even have a glass of wine! (I don't really drink)
My daughter truly is a little Angel.
:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:Birthday party planner...at 6!
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