Tuesday 31 July 2012

Faces in the street...

I am currently teaching the students different types of poetry, with the objective being that they will write and publish their own poem about play in the upcoming whole school Writers Festival. It is a greatly celebrated event each year.

Yesterday I introduced to my year 6 students some of the works Henry Lawson. If you are unfamiliar with him, Henry Lawson was a famous Australian poet during the 1900s in Australia. In a bid to have me extend the time reading to them and therefore put off starting their work today ;) the students asked me to read the information at the beginning of the book about Henry Lawson and that then led us to read the poem which led to him becoming instantly famous... Faces in the Street:

Faces In The Street by Henry Lawson

They lie, the men who tell us for reasons of their own
That want is here a stranger, and that misery's unknown;
For where the nearest suburb and the city proper meet
My window-sill is level with the faces in the street
Drifting past, drifting past,
To the beat of weary feet
While I sorrow for the owners of those faces in the street.

And cause I have to sorrow, in a land so young and fair,
To see upon those faces stamped the marks of Want and Care;
I look in vain for traces of the fresh and fair and sweet
In sallow, sunken faces that are drifting through the street
Drifting on, drifting on,
To the scrape of restless feet;
I can sorrow for the owners of the faces in the street.

In hours before the dawning dims the starlight in the sky
The wan and weary faces first begin to trickle by,
Increasing as the moments hurry on with morning feet,
Till like a pallid river flow the faces in the street
Flowing in, flowing in,
To the beat of hurried feet
Ah! I sorrow for the owners of those faces in the street.

The human river dwindles when 'tis past the hour of eight,
Its waves go flowing faster in the fear of being late;
But slowly drag the moments, whilst beneath the dust and heat
The city grinds the owners of the faces in the street
Grinding body, grinding soul,
Yielding scarce enough to eat
Oh! I sorrow for the owners of the faces in the street.

And then the only faces till the sun is sinking down
Are those of outside toilers and the idlers of the town,
Save here and there a face that seems a stranger in the street,
Tells of the city's unemployed upon his weary beat
Drifting round, drifting round,
To the tread of listless feet
Ah! My heart aches for the owner of that sad face in the street.

And when the hours on lagging feet have slowly dragged away,
And sickly yellow gaslights rise to mock the going day,
Then flowing past my window like a tide in its retreat,
Again I see the pallid stream of faces in the street
Ebbing out, ebbing out,
To the drag of tired feet,
While my heart is aching dumbly for the faces in the street.

And now all blurred and smirched with vice the day's sad pages end,
For while the short 'large hours' toward the longer 'small hours' trend,
With smiles that mock the wearer, and with words that half entreat,
Delilah pleads for custom at the corner of the street
Sinking down, sinking down,
Battered wreck by tempests beat
A dreadful, thankless trade is hers, that Woman of the Street.

But, ah! to dreader things than these our fair young city comes,
For in its heart are growing thick the filthy dens and slums,
Where human forms shall rot away in sties for swine unmeet,
And ghostly faces shall be seen unfit for any street
Rotting out, rotting out,
For the lack of air and meat
In dens of vice and horror that are hidden from the street.

I wonder would the apathy of wealthy men endure
Were all their windows level with the faces of the Poor?
Ah! Mammon's slaves, your knees shall knock, your hearts in terror beat,
When God demands a reason for the sorrows of the street,
The wrong things and the bad things
And the sad things that we meet
In the filthy lane and alley, and the cruel, heartless street.

I left the dreadful corner where the steps are never still,
And sought another window overlooking gorge and hill;
But when the night came dreary with the driving rain and sleet,
They haunted me the shadows of those faces in the street,
Flitting by, flitting by,
Flitting by with noiseless feet,
And with cheeks but little paler than the real ones in the street.

Once I cried: 'Oh, God Almighty! if Thy might doth still endure,
Now show me in a vision for the wrongs of Earth a cure.'
And, lo! with shops all shuttered I beheld a city's street,
And in the warning distance heard the tramp of many feet,
Coming near, coming near,
To a drum's dull distant beat,
And soon I saw the army that was marching down the street.

Then, like a swollen river that has broken bank and wall,
The human flood came pouring with the red flags over all,
And kindled eyes all blazing bright with revolution's heat,
And flashing swords reflecting rigid faces in the street.
Pouring on, pouring on,
To a drum's loud threatening beat,
And the war-hymns and the cheering of the people in the street.

And so it must be while the world goes rolling round its course,
The warning pen shall write in vain, the warning voice grow hoarse,
But not until a city feels Red Revolution's feet
Shall its sad people miss awhile the terrors of the street
The dreadful everlasting strife
For scarcely clothes and meat
In that pent track of living death the city's cruel street.
 
 
One of the first statements made by one of my students was how weird the language was. He stated, "it is like he is talking about stuff we know but in a really weird and hard to understand way!."
This then led to discussions about the difference in language and also the difference connotations that words have taken over the years. As I completed reading it the first time I asked if there was anybody who could summarise what it was about? The room was silent. We then went back through the poem a line at a time.
My students are incredibly empassioned about the plight of their fellow humans and in particular have spent much time studying the drought in Niger, the Kony2012 campaign (and the subsequent information diffuting their intentions and have discovered other organisations they would rather support to bring about change for the same cause) . They are interested in the underdog and justice in the world. When they begin to break this poem down and translate it into a meaning for them they became incredibly interested in just what Henry is saying in this poem and the stance that he took in the first place in writing it.
They were shocked that even back then, there was a major division between the rich and the poor. They also left that lesson with a deep respect for Lawson and the stance that he took for those that had no voice at all.
 
Do you have a favourite Henry Lawson Poem?

Monday 30 July 2012

Obsession of the sweetest kind...

My beautiful little boy turned 4 just two weeks ago. He is getting taller and stronger and learning more and more everyday.

Tonight he jumped into my arms when we got home from childcare and refused to let go. Like a little koala I carried him around the house before finally he agreed to let me go and watch the Gruffalo's Child while I cooked dinner.



This movie was something that he had wanted for a few weeks. Each time we saw it in the shops he begged for it and I said, "soon" . On friday night the big kids went to the school disco and my little man and I went on a dinner date to the local shops :) . We sat in the food court watching a free movie on the big screen set up for winter friday night viewings and then we went into the closest store which happened to be JB HiFi. It didn't take him long to find the dvd and begin the beg to own it. This particular time when I answered it was with a yes rather than no :) . He was thrilled.

His childcare teacher had introduced him to the book and the original movie and he had fallen in love with it. The dvd has been played so many times at home since then that I have lost count! When he becomes obsessed with something he really becomes obsessed :) .

Tomorrow morning we go to get the results of the Psychologists Autism Assessment at the Paed office. I am hoping that it is conclusive, that we have an answer and the assessment process will be over. We have already met a lovely Speech Therapist, we have had a terrific experience with the Psych which I will continue if need be...I am anxious to get started on helping him deal with the complexities that face him and his understandings of the social interactions and things in his world that don't quite make sense.

One thing I do know that makes perfect sense...he is perfect, totally, utterly, beautifully perfect and his Autism is just another part of that which makes him him. There is nothing to hate about that.

Thursday 12 July 2012

Time to face the change..cha cha changes!





My good friend MadMother has often used the analogy of riding a roller coaster when living with ASD. Every bodies lives have ups and downs but life with an Aspie often mean that one minute you think that you are sitting on the bench seat watching other people on the rides and the next second you are not only racing through the ride but it starts from the free fall position! The extremes and challenges are so much more extreme and challenging than in 'normal' life.

This post however is not about Aspergers, it is about my life and the extreme ups and downs that I have been riding. The highs of thinking that perhaps it would all be ok, the lows of realizing that it won't work out the way I envisioned. Making plans, setting goals and having them break over and over again. Each time I believe that I can't get up anymore I do anyway. I get up and I look at everything again and i try to work it out as best as I can and I hope it turns out....and it doesn't.

Last night I discovered that I would be starting all over again once this house is sold. I dont mean that I am getting a fresh start or am referring to beginning in a new house, I essentially mean that I am starting out ALL OVER AGAIN as though I was fresh out of school going from a part time crappy job while going through Uni to a proper job and having to figure out how to live and stand on my own two feet! Except this time around there is no fiancée and no excess cash in the pay packet. Instead there are three children and nearly enough to get by and just little enough not to that i can use my juggling skills to manage (I am glad I taught myself to juggle two balls in my youth, even if I couldn't master three!)

I had a complete and utter panic attack. A freak out over the magnitude of what this will mean to the kids and my life. Of what this means to our everyday and I can honestly say that there were so many moments when I felt like just giving in to it all. Of giving up. Fighting is hard....giving up is easy. Lying down and saying that you can't do it anymore seems so appealing. No more fighting, no more hard work...just quit. If we will be living in poverty anyway then why should i slave my life away? I'll just join the over stretched public waiting lists for OT and SPEECH and PSYCH for the boys and save my hip pocket. I may as well stop working too right? Put my hand out for benefits and while I'm at it I'll dump that very expensive health cover and rely only on the free public system! Giving up seems very appealing....I am so tired from fighting....

But I am NOT a quitter! I Don't give up! I crumble and don't sleep, I watch bad movies and tune out the world until finally I can get up and start thinking and planning and hoping again. With the help of my good friends I take a step forward and I start to live once more.

Today we had a family through the house that liked it a lot! Maybe this time tomorrow this house will be sold? Maybe it won't too. It is something to hope for but not a contention of joy considering that it may not sell for the desired amount. But it is a step in the right direction.

Tonight, sitting watching ABC3 with my babies and on the net at the same time I started browsing through real estate. My daughter looked over my shoulder and said how a yard was too small or this or that wasn't right in a house. She was critical...she was looking for the match of this house. K sat there too..the smallest houses he found the biggest positives to. For each perceived flaw he was able to explain it away. He is excited. The buy button and rent button were both clicked. He is excited about this potential change...I am too, even if it may come along a path of worry and hardship...it is the future and the future can only lead to better things.

Sitting next to my babies tonight I remembered the thing that kept me awake the most the night before. Not the money, the fighting, life..it was the worry that I'm not strong enough for them! That I am not going to be able to supply ad be all that they need. What if I can't work? What's will happen to us then without money? What about the therapies, Hama I helping the boys enough? Is my daughter getting enough time? Am I doing enough/ good enough/ STRONG ENOUGH? The fear that I won't be enough to get through it....well it was answered tonight by a voice I haven't heard in a very long time. A voice that said you are and you will be TOUGH ENOUGH!

Whatever it takes, however hard it will be, this is our life and I will fight damn hard to make it good enough and happy enough....we, my kids and I, deserve nothing less than that and so much more!





Sunday 1 July 2012

A solumn look....

She had that look on her face again, the look of despair, the solumn look, sunken eyes and doubt flickering across her features as to whether she could talk to me or not.

I asked the question, "Are you ok?" and she shook her head. I asked the question, "do you want to talk about it?" and she hesitated, "can you talk about it?" and she shook her head. As the tears rolled down her cheeks I held her in my arms and rubbed her back. I offered not the meaningless words, "it will be ok" for I did not know what 'it' was or if 'it' ever would be. Instead I just held her.

Days went by, weeks, months and the look would happen infrequently and the tears would fall and I would hold her. I would fret and worry for her and watch her, always watch to see that she was ok. I would make her eat and I would make her laugh and smile sometimes...other times I would give her a look, just a small smile to let her know, I am here.

It was a freezing, cloudy morning the day she finally burst and stated that she just could not take anymore. With help and guidance for all involved she was able to talk and we were able to start helping. The smile started to come back a little on her face....a little more she began to laugh and enjoy life.

As the holidays wound around I wished her a happy break and she smiled at me. I don't know whether that is possible....I sure hope it is. I worry for her.

There's an expectation that I too will begin to move beyond the low down look. That I will look beyond the negative surrounding and as I have given the advice to her to do, I am expect to embrace and run only with the positives in life. It is what is needed, that much I know to be true. I can, very often I can do this, but to be able to do it 100% I just don't know how.

The last few days I have been incredibly upset and experiencing a feeling of lost hope. Our lives are on a stand still just waiting for all of these things to happen and it feels as though they never will. No amount of positive thinking or positive tracking will change the circumstances which are ruling our lives at the moment. No amount!

It hurts. I cannot say that it cannot and so often I feel like all I need is someone, somewhere to just occasionally hold me, to not want to fix me but just instead to hold me and to silently understand that life sucks right now. It is hard and it hurts and it sucks. It feels as though everywhere I turn it is collapsing ontop of me. I just need someone....someone to see and to not expect anything from me because they see...but to simply just understand.

And there are people...people who do understand and who care deeply and that makes me feel bad. I have ceased writing because I know that the people who read here are not faceless entities that have stumbled here accidently through a google search but instead the majority are people who know me, and care for me and who I do not want to cause worry to. They are people who I imagine will feel bad reading my words, who will either turn the screen off after reading because they have no idea what to say, or who will try and help...when I feel and I know there is nothing anyone can do to help. There is no fixing this.

I appreciate the care and the help, but it also makes me feel guilty. When told to focus on the positive I know that is a form of help being offered and believe me I do. I have a multitude of photos on my phone, quotes of life views I long to embrace and to remember and I read them often. I am not sitting doing nothing, I am seeking help, I am talking...trying to heal and trying to live this new life. It is hard...I am trying.

I try to make plans, I budget and I plan and I try and work out the best scenarios for my and the kids lives. The best ways to move forward and out of this funk that the marraige break up and the subsequent events has left us in. I try to forsee all that can occur and prepare for it. But what I was not prepared for at all was life....or more to the point...other peoples lives....prospering and moving forward into bigger and better things and all the while here we stand...sit or on some days sink...further and further down we sink.

And I fight, I fight so damn hard. I work my arse off for what I am trying to make for them, a future. Enough money to live. For therapies to help them out. For assessments to determine if my littlest man is an Aspie too (he is, one diagnosis...he is) and to get him help. Moving forward and yet standing still. Standing still because I knew, it changes nothing, I knew. He will get funding and hopefully the worse we are enduring right now will reverse and his happy, coping demeanor will return...pray god it will return. In the future...we will move forward, right now we stand still.

Standing still with nothing. Fighting battles I cannot win against the economy and against my ex and against life.

I have friends who want to know, I don't write and I don't talk not because I do not want to tell them, I want nothing more than to tell them and to talk and to cry and to get it all out but it hurts when I do. It hurts their life and it hurts their hearts and that hurts mine. Their lives are good and happy and moving forward, beautiful things happening and life going on and I am happy for them and I do not want to impact on that so I stop. I stay silent and I say nothing. I just move through the days and the nights and try to do the best I can no matter what....alone. Because the pity looks, the silence when I finish talking as they try and decide what to say, the frustrations that flicker across a face before it's replaced with compassion...the impact of me on them.....it hurts and so I stay silent.

My children need a strong mother. Not just strong enough to deal with and get through the days...they need a mother who can make life move forward and although I am doing all the things that are physically needed to do that...my soul doesn't believe in a brighter day right now and I worry that they know, see and sense that. I worry that they too will spend their days in the future with 'the look' upon their faces.....I would do anything to prevent that.

There are days like today, when they are off having a wonderful time...when I am home alone and spend most of the day crying that I wonder how, when, if ever...?

I so long for the connection...but right now....I am not good for anyone...

When she comes to me with that look in her eyes, on her face, with tears streaming down her cheeks it is not through study and tutition that I know how to handle the situation...it is through the heart, for I know, I feel, I am there too!