Do not underestimate...

me.

There are many things that you should know about me but one thing is paramount, do not ever think that my circumstances, the inflictions I labour beneath, the battles I face and fight nor the emotions that sometimes rule me will at any time, ever, make me weak.

Do not ever think that you can manipulate or inflict your views of my actions upon me and expect me to accept them. Do however expect to receive a fight in response, to lose any skerick of respect I ever had for you and honestly....it will be a cold day in hell before it is likely that you will ever gain that respect back.

Do not ever think that because you know parts of me that you know me. Do not ever ever ever think that you can tell me who or what I am or interpret my actions back to me of what deemed them to be. For your view of me, interests me nor holds my interest none. Nor will it be entertained or accepted without protest.

For too long these eyes, this heart and brain has taken a beating. Do not ever ever assume that the once battered are easily beaten. Do not see weakness where once there was submission. It takes a stronge woman to fight in silence and remain alive. It takes an even stronger woman to walk away. It takes the strength of the survived to forge a new beginning. Do not ever ever think that there is therefore an opening for domination because it once reigned. There never will be again.

Do not ever ever ASSUME that you can tell a persons character due to the challenges they bear! You are not stronger nor better than them due to the size of your bank account nor the ring on your finger. You are not more blessed due to the lack of labels placed on your loved ones, the easier wake ups and goodnights. Do not assume that those that have nothing will fight for nothing. Prepare to be challenged and put back in your place the moment you try to make them wear the badge you mold for them that comes from a place of ignorance or pity misdirected.

Do not ever look upon me and see a person with less prospects for success. With more hurdles perhaps but never with less chance than you. Do no ever, EVER, underestimate the determination of a Mother to do everything within her power to do the very best for her children! No matter the hours, the long haul of time, the work involved. Do not ever underestimate the power within the sole person taking responsibility for three precious souls!

Most importantly...do not EVER ever think that you can take the challenges, hardships, the journey of which my small family are taking and use it as a MEANS to imply that I am not performing as I should be. EVER. There has never been, nor will there EVER be a time in which I will NOT  do everything within my power to perform my utmost best. You might allude to the struggles and scars from home, the scheduled, long awaited appointments that have pulled me away from my work once in a blue moon towards my family...concessions even those in normal family dynamics at times must face...BUT...do not use that to ever ever call me unprofessional. Ever.

Because to do so, is only highlighting exactly that in the person slinging the words my way! I may work harder, longer, fight more, struggle more, tire more easily and sob a little more in the midnight hours than most. However what I will never be is weak. What I will never be is submissive and compliant to bullies (EVER AGAIN!) and most importantly what I will never ever EVER stop doing is striving to provide the best kind of life for my children through HARD WORK and DEDICATION to my work and to my family and their well being and the well being of the beautiful little people I am lucky enough to spend every day with.

Perhaps I will only ever be doing the same role...perhaps one day I will move to leadership, return to university to get a masters? doctorate? perhaps I will change paths...perhaps perhaps perhaps....what the future holds is unclear except for one definite. Never, ever again will I submit to discrimination, abuse, bullying, harassment or allow myself to be treated unfairly! Never EVER again.

Watch the hell out if you think otherwise!


This is a piece of writing. It is not about nor intended towards a particular person nor situation but to the world in general. I have faced the discrimination that comes into the face of the 'single mother' label and I am tired of the stereotype. Infact I am tired of all the bloody stereotypes.!The 'Special Needs Mum' stereotype, the 'Teacher Mum' stereotype, the 'Single Mum', the 'Depression'...'abuse survivor'...'poor'...the 'child in fulltime long hours care tut tut' stereotype. I am sick of them all. I am sick of the assumptions people make of me based on my situation rather than knowing ME and who I am, what I am capable of, what my values are and recognising my determination to do everything within my power to provide the best life possible for my kids. I will not be pushed into a label, nor made to bear others burdens. Next time you find yourself judging someone else, stop and think, "what do I know about their life?", "What right do I have to judge?" or perhaps the most important question of all to think is, "How will my judging them improve my life?" . If in some way it does improve your life then I strongly suggest it is time to seek out a new, more positive life. Live your best life and please, if your words are not going to seek a smile from me or constructively help me seek out my own best life then please feel free to keep them to yourself...for I am not interested one iota in them.

(Thanks for reading)

If a Blogger doesn't blog are they still a Blogger?...

Excuse me for a moment while I write as though nobody is reading....

I feel like crap. Not physically.....I feel mentally worn our.

I am read this article about motherhood by Eden Riley and I found myself saying, "YES YES! that is so true!!". But I feel like I do it part time....I do all that stuff....parttime. That is so politically incorrect to say isn't it??  That I parent and do those things part time but time wise I have more awake face time away from my children during the week than with them. If it sounds sad it probably is.

I stood on the ramp at the end of a long day during the week and I wondered, "What the hell was I thinking when I thought I could do it all? Work full time and Solo Parent full time? How the hell do I manage to do it all without fucking it all up?". The little red and white versions of me sitting on my shoulder said, "Stupid bloody question love, as you simply HAVE TO!"

My daughter threw me a birthday party last weekend which was attended by my most favourite people. I was dreading it and all the attention. When it happened I loved it and the time I got to spend with the most beautiful and caring people in my life. When it was over I spiralled into feeling so isolated that I may as well have been on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only cure was bringing my three little people into bed for a movie night, with no choice but to snuggle into one another and the bonus of FEELING that they are in fact there.

I bottle it all up...all up all week because what is the alternative? There is noone to come home and chat with. There is noone who does not have their own life to put first and there is no time when I don't feel a burden through sharing despite being told copious amounts of time that I am not at all a burden. So I bottle it up and then....then I explode or I crumble and on Friday I did both. I overreacted to a situation and made a fool of myself and my apologies have been ignored. I don't run away...I face things...but this time I don't feel strong enough to face it.

I cried and cried for the first time ever...cried and cried at my desk all alone. Except I wasn't all alone. Because that was the day when students got sent back to get things. Asking with a concerned tone if I was ok? It was the only day of the whole year that a parent came to see me at the end of the day. Thank goodness it was a woman I have known a very long time (having taught her eldest who is in year 11 this year when he was just in year 1! ) and was very understanding. That day thankfully was also a day when a friend came to talk to me, and held me and comforted me as the bottling up and the mortification of my actions and the lack of control burst forth in a torrent of tears and words that had been for so long unsaid. A friend I could trust 100% .

A birthday passed and it hurt. It was the best birthday and the worst birthday. It was a hard day and a great day. It exhausted me.

It is Mothers Day. It is coming off a week when I feel like I could quite possibly be the worlds worst mother ever. A week of a lot of ASD moments that have left me drained and scared for a future I cannot see changing. A week of feeling incredibly guilty for every terse word I have spoken in response to the tantrums and swearing and meltdowns. A week when I have never felt closer to bloggers like MadMother as I knew that no matter how bad it is that she has been through it too..but also never so far away from her as I realised that I haven't had the time to read or respond or talk to her for so very long.  I miss the time I had to write about my boy, I miss you MM and feeling a part of a community of support for this ASD journey I am going through. I know you are still there...but I just wish I was too :(.

I have had a hard, draining, at times wonderful, incredibly busy week.

As I cried while cooking pancakes this morning I wondered if I need to step back? If I need to run a little and get help? I need someone to tell me how to deal with it all...it all....I never imagined in my wildest dreams how much 'it all' really could ever be. Can I step away? run away? crumble and not get up for a little while though? Can I?

My head says no and my heart says that maybe you have no choice but to?

My head at times says yes too.....I'm working the head pretty damn hard right now!

The parent who came in on friday, while I was crying. She shared some things with me...we talked and cried and then said goodbye and it left me wondering...

Is growing up not so much about getting older but about being taken from the palace at the top of the mountain, stripped of everything you own, everything you've known and thrown in the dirt with a hammer and knife and told to fend for yourself? Lying there in the cloud of dust wavering around you you are faced with the choice...keep lying there and give up or get up and get started.

I keep getting up and getting started...but sometimes that dust and dirt looks so fucking appealing that I honestly cannot see any better alternative but to just lie in it!

Birthday party planner...at 6!

We were talking a few weeks ago, my princess and I, about birthday parties and what theme she would have this year and she asked what about my birthday? I told her I haven't had a birthday party since my 21st and after she regained her breath she then told me that wasn't good! So she began to plan one, with the help of my Mum.
Each birthday since the kids were born, probably years before that too, we would have family over for dinner. I would cook, clean, be put down and during the night have such disparaging comments thrown my way that i'd end up feeling angry and hurt and wishing i never celebrated it at all.
This year is free of the put downs and disparaging comments but the wishing I never had at all feelings are a little harder to shake!
I'm building back up slowly, strongly, day by day but I am not there yet. The thought of people coming to celebrate me and my birthday scares the beejeebuz outta me. I am much much better at giving than receiving and don't feel at all that I'm worth the effort...but....my daughter does. She's six! She made the invites and took the RSVPs. She made a list of foods and games and with my Mums help she's run this whole thing.
Tomorrow is the party. I need to get the house cleaned up for an open house in the morning (no sale last week/ no surprise) and then after swimming we will return and guests will begin to arrive.
A small gathering of the closest people to me. A gathering of those that've got me through the hard times and who I dearly love and cherish. I might even have a glass of wine! (I don't really drink)
My daughter truly is a little Angel.
:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Birthday party planner...at 6!

What is my world coming to when there is simply no time to procrastinate!!

I used to be the Queen of Procrastination. I could spend a whole day freaking out and procrastinating about what I need to get done. But now, I find that I just don't have the time to procrastinate...but it doesn't mean that my innate desire doesn't guide me towards it still!

Since the house has been on the market for over a month now I have had no chance to procrastinate over the housework. I have had deadlines to it getting done and little time to do it and so I have had to just get on with it. This has produced a cleaner house and also a little bit of development in my cleaning skills and lessened the time it takes for me to do it. I still complain and scream expleatives in my head while I do it though, what can I say? Housework and I will never be besties!

At work I used to procrastinate about getting things planned and always (even in school) have worked on the last minute rule. "I will do that homework but first I should wash my hair! :p" . But now I find that in order for life to be easier I need to be organised. So I am always working and organising and I have a clean desk. That is a miracle in itself! I am still chasing my tail to get things planned but it's more for the in advance.....rather than in five minutes being needed. Oh and I still do procrastinate doing it in favour of watching telly, reading or sleeping.

The biggest difference I think is in the amount of time that I have to completely lose the plot. The amount of time I do not have to lose the plot I should say. I am often still overcome with dibilitating stress and anxiety over everything that I need to do and am responsible for, but I simply do not have the time to sit in the fetal position anymore! I feel the panic rise, I feel the black cloud start to set in and sit on my shoulders, clouding my vision but I also see a light in the distance and know that I have to walk and work through it to get to that light because everything else in my life depends on me getting there! I can't stop. I can't breakdown. I cannot let it all overwhelm me because there is just NO TIME for that.

I have to go to work, I have to cook dinner, I have to clean for the open house, I have to get breakfast into the kids and get to the shops before the bank closes on a Saturday morning and do it all before swimming starts so they don't miss their lessons. My life is a timed, steady list of have to's with no alternative options anymore.

Noone else will pick up the children if I do not get to care on time to pick them up. Noone else will pay the bill if I do not. Noone else will clean the floors and walls to try and ensure this house sells....noone else. Just.Me.

So this morning, as I was asked to call back later to the useless bank to demand answers to a stuff up they had made and I had the computer open and felt like I was about to crumble into a thousand pieces I had the confliction that hit me which screamed...you cannot crumble as you do not have enough time to! So instead here I am. Procrastinating...or I like to think of it as nurturing a need I have been putting last, which is the write! while using precious minutes I just don't have in the process.

Today is auction day. I planned to clean and sparkle the house even though there is a chance noone will turn up to the Auction. But thanks to the stuff ups of others I am now forced to leave the house in a few moments, race across town to the bank and to claim things to fix a problem I didn't cause, by lunchtime today...stop, rewind....to fix it by 11 when my parents are picking the children up for their swimming lessons so I can be here for the Auction.

I have the desire as strong as the midday sun to scream the unfairness of my again having to be influenced by and having to fix problems that are not of my doing! That despite how hard I am working to make life ok that others still cause me grief....but who would I scream it to? and what is the point? One of the big things I reitterate to my son when a tantrum (which leads to a meltdown) is beginning is the question...will this reaction fix the problem? If getting angry and screaming and hitting/ kicking/ rolling around/ running away won't fix the problem then why do it? Lets acknowledge how you feel and how much the situation sucks and calmly try and come up with solutions or accept it. It is a work in progress times a thousand times a day......so it stands to reason that I too should take my own advice!

So you'll have to excuse me as I must leave now to deal with the trillions of things that make our life run in a tiny semblance of okness.

I will update on the disapointment that is our house selling fiasco later today...or tomorrow....or whereever I can find the time.

I hope you are all well you lovely people out there in cyberspace and may your days be filled with many a moment that you can fill with procrastination....

xoJaak

Scienceworks Melbourne - A great, cheap outting for the kids...

We had another open house on Wednesday last week and so after scrubbing the house we ventured off for a drive to Scienceworks in Spotswood.

Scienceworks is the ultimate kids playground! It is filled with a large selection of different exhibits all aimed at children being hands on and learning how things work. The best kind of science that there is!









We headed into the house area first. This exhibit breaks down everything you do and do not want to know about how things work in your kitchen and house. We learnt about bacteria, what the origin of products are and got to look at the workings of a fridge, microwave...and that is just a drop in the ocean of the multitude of things that you can learn. Infact I think that if we went to Scienceworks everyday for a fortnight we would still be learning new things by the end of the 14 days.

Being schoolholidays it was incredibly busy but that just added to the fun. Getting there in the afternoon it was less sensory overload for my boys, being able to touch and play with all the exhibits with a little space proved to be more successful than our morning venture last year when it was just too busy and they couldn't cope with the crowding. This time they jumped in and helped, ran, played with the other children.



In Nitty Gritty Super City the children, and there had to be at least 30, all worked together to build a foam brick wall, using pulleys and wheelbarrows to transport the bricks, a convey belt to move them up to the house structure...the play and learning possibilities were endless.





My two got their muscles out and lifted a pallet of concrete...

We then we headed to the cafe where the children all worked together to prepare food, tea and coffee and discover just what was in the foods they eat at home!

I was wondering just what I was served to eat too at one point....

The sports section proved to be a great interest to my big boy K as he ran from one activity to the other before racing a large computer image of Cathy Freeman who was running along the wall (and he assures me he won!)

While he was being active A2 and I sat down for a leasurely canoe along the Yarra River...

While A1 rode a bike which made the skeleton on the roof ride his bike at the same time. The sports exhibit not only allowed the kids to test their skills at netball, soccer, football but also their abilities of balance and understanding what their bodies do when they are playing the sports, how they use their energy and even how they use their brain power and emotions shape the way their muscles work. Brilliant learning possibilities and fun for both kids and parents. There was even the opportunity for A2 to go Snow Boarding!

If you think that this sounds like a wonderful day out but you are worried about the cost then DO NOT FEAR. The cost is just $10 per adult and all children are free. Scienceworks has a cafe and gift shop but they are not necessary to frequent if you are watching your pursestrings as there are three great playgrounds 
 within the outer grounds of the complex which have many places to sit and have a picnic, you can even bring along snags and have a barbeque.




We highly recommend going along for a play with your children. Please be aware that it can become noisy and crowded so if your child is overly sensitive to either then perhaps take precautions (maybe head phones?) . As I said we arrived at 2pm and although it was still incredibly busy it wasn't long before the crowds started to disapear and although it closes at 4.30pm we still managed to get to all te exhibits. Mind you as I said there is sooooo much involved in each part of Scienceworks that there is always new things to discover and learn :) .

If you are very worried about your child being over whelmed by the crowds, I have also been during the school term with my class on an excursion and it is a lot quieter and more manageable at those times of the year (you would just need to deal with those pesky school groups ;) ) .
We give Scienceworks 5 out of 5 for Fun and Education for kids :)

Won't you come a riding with us?...

A really nice thing about living in a new area and new estate is that they are designed to be incredibly family friendly. Within our own estate there are two terrific playgrounds, a walking/ bike track which takes us all throughout the estate and a gorgeous pond with ducks and swans making it their home. Often we get sick of being inside and venture out on two wheels to explore.


Master A2 sits on the back of my bike while the big kids venture out on their own bikes and off we go. The wonderful thing is that there is barely ever reason for the children to ride on the rode, making the ride safe for all of us (rode safety is something we are still working on).

I had the wonderful idea of going for a bike ride in the city last week, the only problem was that I could not fit my bike in the boot of the car :( so until I can afford a bike rack that will have to be an outting that waits. So instead we went off riding around our neighbourhood.

Thankfully the area that we are planning of moving to has bike tracks all throughout it also and with the added bonus of having a train station within riding distance too...so city riding will become an easy possibility :)


Do you ride bikes as a family? What do you like to do together with the kids?

Today's Discoveries...

The love between a Mother and Child knows no bounds, nor is confined to our species alone...




The joy a little boy displays when he sees one of his favourite animals can make even the most rushed of strangers stop and smile...




A2s monkey met the monkeys
Fundamentally it all comes down to this...




We had a wonderful day at the zoo, we sure learnt a lot.
What did you get up to today?