I used to be the Queen of Procrastination. I could spend a whole day freaking out and procrastinating about what I need to get done. But now, I find that I just don't have the time to procrastinate...but it doesn't mean that my innate desire doesn't guide me towards it still!
Since the house has been on the market for over a month now I have had no chance to procrastinate over the housework. I have had deadlines to it getting done and little time to do it and so I have had to just get on with it. This has produced a cleaner house and also a little bit of development in my cleaning skills and lessened the time it takes for me to do it. I still complain and scream expleatives in my head while I do it though, what can I say? Housework and I will never be besties!
At work I used to procrastinate about getting things planned and always (even in school) have worked on the last minute rule. "I will do that homework but first I should wash my hair! :p" . But now I find that in order for life to be easier I need to be organised. So I am always working and organising and I have a clean desk. That is a miracle in itself! I am still chasing my tail to get things planned but it's more for the in advance.....rather than in five minutes being needed. Oh and I still do procrastinate doing it in favour of watching telly, reading or sleeping.
The biggest difference I think is in the amount of time that I have to completely lose the plot. The amount of time I do not have to lose the plot I should say. I am often still overcome with dibilitating stress and anxiety over everything that I need to do and am responsible for, but I simply do not have the time to sit in the fetal position anymore! I feel the panic rise, I feel the black cloud start to set in and sit on my shoulders, clouding my vision but I also see a light in the distance and know that I have to walk and work through it to get to that light because everything else in my life depends on me getting there! I can't stop. I can't breakdown. I cannot let it all overwhelm me because there is just NO TIME for that.
I have to go to work, I have to cook dinner, I have to clean for the open house, I have to get breakfast into the kids and get to the shops before the bank closes on a Saturday morning and do it all before swimming starts so they don't miss their lessons. My life is a timed, steady list of have to's with no alternative options anymore.
Noone else will pick up the children if I do not get to care on time to pick them up. Noone else will pay the bill if I do not. Noone else will clean the floors and walls to try and ensure this house sells....noone else. Just.Me.
So this morning, as I was asked to call back later to the useless bank to demand answers to a stuff up they had made and I had the computer open and felt like I was about to crumble into a thousand pieces I had the confliction that hit me which screamed...you cannot crumble as you do not have enough time to! So instead here I am. Procrastinating...or I like to think of it as nurturing a need I have been putting last, which is the write! while using precious minutes I just don't have in the process.
Today is auction day. I planned to clean and sparkle the house even though there is a chance noone will turn up to the Auction. But thanks to the stuff ups of others I am now forced to leave the house in a few moments, race across town to the bank and to claim things to fix a problem I didn't cause, by lunchtime today...stop, rewind....to fix it by 11 when my parents are picking the children up for their swimming lessons so I can be here for the Auction.
I have the desire as strong as the midday sun to scream the unfairness of my again having to be influenced by and having to fix problems that are not of my doing! That despite how hard I am working to make life ok that others still cause me grief....but who would I scream it to? and what is the point? One of the big things I reitterate to my son when a tantrum (which leads to a meltdown) is beginning is the question...will this reaction fix the problem? If getting angry and screaming and hitting/ kicking/ rolling around/ running away won't fix the problem then why do it? Lets acknowledge how you feel and how much the situation sucks and calmly try and come up with solutions or accept it. It is a work in progress times a thousand times a day......so it stands to reason that I too should take my own advice!
So you'll have to excuse me as I must leave now to deal with the trillions of things that make our life run in a tiny semblance of okness.
I will update on the disapointment that is our house selling fiasco later today...or tomorrow....or whereever I can find the time.
I hope you are all well you lovely people out there in cyberspace and may your days be filled with many a moment that you can fill with procrastination....
xoJaak
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